"Oh be careful little eyes what you see..." [my struggle with addiction.]

Today I'm going to share something with you all that I have never shared with anyone besides God, my mom, and my husband. It's something I'm not proud of and I'd never share it unless I was absolutely sure it would benefit at least one of you reading this right now. 

God has been nudging me to do this, so I'm going to obey. 

This may be a bit of a shocker to those who know me well, because I somehow give off the impression that my life is perfect, and I've been nicknamed "church girl" by countless guys and girls who have thought me to be faultless. 

Trust me when I say I've gone back and forth with the idea of putting myself out there this way, especially because I don't want to give off a bad impression of who I am. 

However, I believe in the power of sharing one's testimony. 

Who I was before, and the things that I've struggled with in the past, 

do not define who I am today.

With that in mind, I feel completely free to keep it real. 

In my pre-teens I struggled with a strong addiction to pornography. 

It began as innocent curiosity and almost immediately transformed into a daily eye-hobby. 

My dad was always into keeping up with the latest technology, and was part of the first groups of people to switch from basic tv to the luxury of having a bunch of extra channels.

Yet, we never had any porn channels. My parents made sure to keep those blocked on our tv. 

I did, however, have friends whose parents did not take that precaution,

and I would visit one friend in particular almost every single day. 

We would hangout in her house, and her parents were almost never home while I was there.

It was just her and me, and our curiosity. 

This is how things unraveled, in a nutshell:

* We discovered porn on her unblocked tv stations. 

* We watched it and giggled because it was completely shocking and new.

* As days and weeks went by, the more we watched, the more fixed on it I became.

* Throughout the day, at school or church, no matter where I was, I would find myself thinking sexually explicit thoughts.

* These thoughts became part of my everyday life and influenced my ways of expressing myself [my language became more perverse, my writing became perverse, etc.]

* I had sleepovers at my own home and introduced a few of my little friends to the idea of watching porn.

* They became fixed on it,

 and the cycle continued. 

I knew what I was doing was not right, because I knew it was changing me from the inside out. 

These days porn is something that is widely accepted, and even embraced for its tendency to "comfort" people when they are single, lonely and inexperienced OR even within marriage, when couples use it as a way to stir things up in the marriage bed. 

Whatever the case, there is absolutely nothing okay about watching others engage in sexual activity. 

Addiction to pornography is a leading cause of divorce, violence [rapes, child molestation, etc.] and countless other issues in our world, daily. 

It is not to be taken lightly. 

After about a year or so, my mom discovered a page in my diary in which I mentioned sexual things. 

She was hurt, upset and very shocked. 

I vividly remember the shame and embarrassment I felt when she sat me down and held that page in her hands. 

I wanted the earth to swallow me up, because staring into the tear-filled eyes of my mom made me realize that I had a serious issue. 

Up until that point she had no idea that my friend and I were hanging out unsupervised in her home. 

All along she had assumed that her parents were there to keep an eye on us. 

She questioned me and I told her how I found out about the things I mentioned in my diary. 

She then told me I was to never ever speak or watch such trash again... and she more than limited the time I spent with my friends outside of our home. 

Being discovered by my mom was enough to set me straight. 

I had been living a secret life, in the dark, and although God saw me all along I had successfully convinced myself no one really knew about my addiction, therefore it was okay because I really wasn't doing anything wrong. 

I knew I was lying to myself to make myself feel better, 

but I couldn't resist the urge to just keep watching. 

Here's the thing about porn- 

it's not an innocent pastime. Don't be fooled by that lie. 

Throughout the years, after my own personal struggle, I met others who had experienced the same struggle. 

And their entire lives had changed because of it. 

They had serious marriage issues because of it, and deep feelings of insecurity because of it. 

Meeting these people helped me to better understand the depths of damage that the "simple" act of watching pornography can cause in a person's life. 

It's never okay to watch it. 

It took a long time for those sexual images to fade from my mind, and it took plenty of resistance to keep from falling into the habit again. 

The thing about pornography is that it first engages your eyes, then your mind, then your heart and your actions. 

It totally changes who you are and what you do, and how you feel about yourself. 

I had deep feelings of insecurity that stemmed from that addiction. 

My body could not compare to those women I saw, who were unrealistically voluptuous, therefore I felt insecure throughout the whole span of my teenage years because, in the back of my mind, I felt my body wasn't good enough for society. 

That's just one issue that stemmed from that experience and affected me for years. 

I'm sharing all of this to say that there is freedom in Jesus. 

Only He can free you from whatever secret addictions you may struggle with, and only He can heal you and make your heart pure again. 

If you can relate to my story, then please take these words to heart. 

Don't allow any addiction to keep you from living the most beautiful life you possibly can, in Christ. 

If you would like any kind of support, prayer, or encouragement, don't hesitate to email me at 

ApplesOfGoldBlog@gmail.com

hugs

xxx